🍪Kind-Hearted Connie and Delightful Danni

Biscuit Week! And what a Biscuit Week.

The Signature asked contestants to make 30 cookies (to me, that's breakfast 😂). Mo's all-too-easy iced gems. Connie's heartwarming Jamaican flag. Shannon's almost-Handshake Harvest Path. Strong showings everywhere.

Last week, I gave Nigella generous praise for how naturally she had settled into the tent. And while I again admired her vivid culinary imagery this week (aside: like one of this week's bakes, someone once called me a "rather aromatic ginger nut". I subsequently headbutted the fool. How's that for a nut!), I do have a bone to pick with her and Paul.

Too much topping on Clara's terrific tiramisu cookie? Too much caramel on a beautifully baked biscuit?! Too much chocolate in a champion chocolate chip cookie?! What kind of backwards critique were the judges giving this week? What's next? A cake that's too tasty? A Mo too nonchalant? A Gabe with too many hooped facial piercings? Preposterous.

Go big is my motto. Nobody wants a dainty little pastry. Give me a delicacy that looks like it came straight out of a Dr Seuss book. Towering. Overstuffed. Barely structurally sound. Something that makes you wonder whether you should eat it or report it to the local council.

Which brings me back to Clara. She was robbed of a Handshake in the Signature. Her "Just Married" cookies looked tremendous, and if the only complaint is that there was too much tiramisu involved, then I hope she learns absolutely nothing from the experience. Stay true to the tiramisu, Clara. Don't hold back.

The actual biscuits were interesting this week, but the real drama was the fascinating Over/Under battle. For those counting along at home, it was a roll(:-))ercoaster.

Out of the gate, Over stormed ahead. Overbaked cookies in the Signature. Overdone shortbread in the Technical. Under put up little resistance. Halfway through the Showstopper, the mighty Over led the puny Under 8–4. I almost stopped counting and awarded Over the win.

But it's not Over :-) until it's Over :-). Enter Danni's Showstopper.

While constructing her ambitious computer-virus-themed mosaic, Danni blurted out "underbaked" three times, as if trying to summon Bloody Mary Berry to save her techy creation. I'm as big a fan of computers as the next guy, but even I might have picked up on the signals :-) that a virus-themed Showstopper was terminal :-). Suddenly, it was 8–7. We had a ball game, folks. Moments later, Alison described Danni's bake in the voiceover and dropped another "underbaked". More like the voice-under! :-)

The impossible had happened. Under was level.

From there, Over and Under traded desperate late blows as the judges worked their way through the flavoured mosaic tiles. 8–9. Then 9–9. But the momentum of the Under(:-))dog was too much. This comeback was destined for legend. Paul Hollywood delivered the final blow with one last "underbaked", sealing the victory and cementing the great 2026 Biscuit Week Over/Under battle into Bake Off history.

Final score: Under 10, Over 9.

An underdog story for the ages.

Last week, I wrote about Danni delivering three of the sloppiest bakes in the tent and asked whether anyone had ever had a worse single week. This week, I have a new question: has anyone ever had a worse two weeks? Six bakes. Not much to redeem in any of them.

Her Signature was a non-vegan, bicarb-loaded biscuit that she had never even tasted. Probably for the best, in the end. Also, where do we stand on vegans making and presenting non-vegan food? Doesn't that slightly defeat the point?

Then came another Technical mess, where she finished one spot from last yet again, saved only by an absolute nightmare one-off bake from somebody else.

And finally, the cyanide-inspired computer-virus biscuit mosaic. Come on. Was she trying to get out?

On the brighter side, Mo still seems cool and has been the best baker so far. Shannon has plenty of potential and came close to a Handshake this week, though she still feels inconsistent. Connie might be the dark horse. She somehow produced both the worst set of biscuits and a couple of the best bakes of the week. Her comeback was impressive, and her emotion moved me a little bit.

But seriously, what are we doing here? This is a mindless, silly baking show. Real, important, consequential things are happening in the world. Actual news. Things that matter. And yet here I am, deeply concerned about whether Shannon deserved a Handshake.